May 22

Morrissey is 54 today. Presumably he is still miserable now. Heaven knows, but hasn’t commented.

May 21

Havoc from Mobb Deep has the same birthday as Biggie? Man, that sucks. Almost as bad as someone using a photo of Prodigy by mistake. Happy birthday, Havoc.

May 20

David Wells turned 50 today, and there are a few things worth noting:

1) He could probably still give the Yankees some good innings

2) He can’t be in any worse shape than he was when he was playing.

3) OK, maybe he can be.

4) David Wells made it to 50! Woo!

May 16

Happy birthday to Danny Trejo, who’s, well, whatever age he says he is — fuck, I’m not trying to tell him anything.

May 13

Happy 49th birthday to Stephen Colbert, our greatest patriot.

May 8

Alex Van Halen is 60 today. Hopefully he’s wearing a shirt.

May 7

Phil Campbell, also known as Wizzö, has been the lead guitarist for Motörhead since 1983. As such, he’s no doubt seen shit that you couldn’t even imagine. “Phil Campbell” is also the name of a town in Alabama. It is named after an Englishman, but not the same one. Happy 52nd, Wizzö.

May 6

Little-known fact: As part of Wille Mays’ contract, he had two white guys to help him get dressed before every game. Also, dude was ripped. Happy 83rd, Willie.

May 2

Happy 38th birthday to squeaky-voiced football legend David Beckham, who looked like this before all the tattoos and hair products (and, you know, puberty). 

April 26

Giancarlo Esposito was born in 1958, which would have made him 31 when he played Buggin’ Out in Spike Lee’s 1989 magnum opus Do The Right Thing. He turns 55 today. Got your boycott right here.